How (Not?) to Hire a Branding Expert.

This job posting came across my desk today:

Groovy, gregarious ACCOUNT EXECS needed to help expand an exciting, stable business specialising in an innovative service for retailers and franchisees.
STRONG UNDERSTANDING OF BRANDING required. Working within a small Sales/Marketing team, you will be responsible for sustaining and building relationships with A-LIST clients subscribing to this TOP NOTCH, unique service in South Africa.
This is a DREAM POSITION for experienced, Degree holders with a passion for BRANDING/SALES/MARKETING.
Do not delay!!! Contact Barry or Katie at [Name Removed to Protect the Guilty] NOW to find out more…

Let me catch my breath. They mean to tell me that I could have the job RIGHT NOW? And that this REALLY is my DREAM POSITION in which I WILL be working with only A-LIST clients SELLING them TOP-NOTCH services? WOW!!! (It’s almost like they’re trying to force us into rhythmic verse by visually emphasizing every other syllable.)
I’m guessing that if underlining and italics were allowed that these only would have added to the effect(!!!).

Without looking into the company (sorry, not ready to work South Africa yet) I’d wager good money that the service they provide has something to do with a deposed African prince (or perhaps a persecuted bishop), a large sum of money held by the government, and your own personal bank account number.

The only thing that rings true in this job posting is that they need branding help. Sure, they could be a respectable luxury service in South Africa, but they talk like a local auto dealership commercial played on late night cable. You know the kind; high volume, lots of flashing graphics, low production values.

If you were going to work for this firm and were actually good at branding, how confident would you be that your performance review would actually be based on your skills? I can picture my own 360 degree coming back with “INSUFFICIENT use of EMPHASIS CAPITALIZATION and PUNCTUATION!!!” (Note that whole sentences in caps aren’t as effective. One must EMPHASISE ONLY the words that you’d POKE YOUR FINGER into a GUY’S CHEST on to MAKE a POINT.) How would they know when the company had actually made the genuine and compelling connection between who the company really is (LOUD!) and who their target client is (Naïve and HARD of HEARING)?

Is there a lesson in this somewhere? I think there are a few:

1) Unless you are actively trying to annoy people you should try to abide by the advice given in Strunk and White“>Strunk and White’s infamous book. I have two copies (rarely opened) that remind me not to get too crazy when I’m feeling creative or edgy. The idea is to help people experience your words internally without realizing they’re reading them, and DOING THIS!!! DOESN’T HELP!!!

2) Remember that job postings are advertisements too. You can reinforce or destroy your brand with just a few words. I’m pretty sure you won’t find Rolex or Tiffany using emphasis-caps in their advertisements, and I’m doubtful that this company offers services that are more TOP-NOTCH than either of them.

3) Even if we give the company the benefit of the doubt and assume that the business is legitimate, this does show that taking a contrarian approach to advertising is not always a good thing. Stokefire almost always fiddles with unique approaches rather than doing what everyone else does. Sure, you can ride the coattails, but someone else is wearing the coat, and that’s who we want our clients to be. Creativity is good, but make it an intentional reinforcement of the brand, and not (as in the best possible interpretation of this job posting) an annoying flurry of words that don’t do anything but show your targets that you can cheer-lead.

I’m sure there are more lessons, and hope that some of you feel confident enough to post some (genuine or humorous, it’s all good…)

Oh, and to anyone that wants to point out that my own punctuation, spelling, capitalization, and grammar could use a little brushing up, [scathingly beautiful and perfectly worded retort removed after reports of uncontrolled crying, temporary blindness, cats and dogs living together, and Rapture-like experiences were received. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.]