Recently in Theodore Joseph Linden

Alternate Title: Moron Name Generators

Okay, so the alternate title is probably a bit harsh - but it does help me introduce my topic for the day. 

I got a couple emails from folks who weren't entirely happy that I listed their site yesterday and did so without trumpeting the party line for name generators - which, if you don't know, is "Why the heck do you need a professional namer when all you have to do is click this button and you have a name?"

Name generators are a great tool (I did say that yesterday - so I wasn't completely biased) but they don't name companies or other stuff automatically.  I just can't make myself say something that isn't true.  (Okay, my sister might tell you stories from the seventies that would indicate otherwise - but on this topic and in this decade I'm not prone to making stuff up.)

Let's see if I can come up with an inoffensive metaphor...

How about:
Name Generators are a lot like a passenger train.  Sure - you know where you're supposed to be going, but without a trained engineer at the helm chances aren't good that you'll get there on time... if at all.  And there's a real good chance that if you DO get to where you're going someone is going to end up injured along the way.

Not too shabby.  And I think I've done a good job avoiding offending anyone except perhaps novice train engineers.

See, there's this problem with automated stuff, which is that it is probably really good at the stuff it is trained to do (like cramming morphemes together) but is absolutely horrible at the stuff it isn't programmed to do. 

Here's a random (and partial) list stuff that name generators (generally) don't do:

1. Check to see if the name conflicts with existing trademarks on a State, Federal, or international stage
2. Determine if the name sounds like something naughty in languages other than your own
3. Check for parsing issues (like penisland.com) when hearing or reading the name
   
4. Check to ensure that the name is easy to be pronounced for your target audience
5. Create a compelling story for your brand (other than "I clicked a button and got a name") that allows people to form a bond with your company
6. Ensure that the name has memory triggers that help the name to stick in the mind
7. Build consensus amongst your team and various stakeholders
8. Determine if there's anything in the name that can help to strengthen your brand
9. Determine if the name is a good match for your personality, voice, and mission
10. Determine if the name meets the goals you have for it
11. Ensure that you actually have goals set for your name
12. Check business directories and phone books to make sure your name won't have a lot of local competition
13. Talk to linguists and perform other searches to ensure that the name doesn't use terminology that is already conceptually owned by something or someone else.  (You could name your new shoe the "Thanksgiving Turkey" but it probably would result in a lot of people returning their inedible holiday meal.)
14. See if the shape of the word is easy on the eyes and easy to read.  Tillillypyg might seem like a good name when you hear it - but it's really hard to decipher when you see it.
15. Ensure that you're not using word-parts that are unpleasant to hear for your particular audience.  Ending your new perfume with an "-uck" sound might get you noticed - but probably not for smelling nice.
16. Check both the number of letters and syllables to make sure you're not expecting too much from your audience when they try to recall your name
17. Ensure that the name ties in with your business strategy
18. Check to be sure that you have a business strategy
19. Check to be sure that your business strategy is viable and can be supported by a name
20. Check to be sure your name is believable (if it makes any claims)
21. Check to be sure that the name actually does support the business strategy
    
22. Train users in how to evaluate whether or not a name is any good
23. Warn users when a name has major weaknesses that could lead to embarrassment or legal issues down the road

Sadly I'm growing tired of coming up with reasons why Name Generators aren't the ultimate in naming solutions.  I truly could go on all day (I'd guess there are a couple hundred things I could list) but I have work to do.

I do like name generators.  They can help get minds unstuck.   When quantity without context is needed they're a great source.  

But I don't think I would ever have a firm I worked for named by one.  And it isn't because I'm a namer.  It's because I don't have faith that a machine can understand the complexities of my business, my audience, my goals, and the complexities of developing a name that works.

And quite frankly I don't have faith that the people who programmed the machines in the first place have any real understanding of these factors either.  Or if they do they didn't take the time to put that part of their brain into the code.

It takes a person with a deep understanding of brands and naming to reliably do the job.  Kinda like the way putting a real engineer at the controls of that train will greatly increase the chances of that train arriving in Boston six hours after leaving Union Station. 

Moral of the story:  Don't mess with Thingnamers with blogs who give you free links.  Especially when they have an infant son who is both really hungry and teething.  All the FEED ME NOW - GET THAT OUT OF MY MOUTH - DOG TOYS ARE YUMMY - I DON'T CARE IF IT SAYS NOT TO FREEZE IT... DO IT ANYHOW (or at least that's how I interpret his squeals and demands) can shorten one's patience a tad. 

(And yep - it's all worth it Teddy.  You da man.  Keep slipping me those smiles and you know I'll do whatever I think you want.)

I'll be the first to admit that naming your kid takes a lot of effort, thought, and in most cases comprimise. I would even go so far as to talk with someone - perhaps a historian or psychologist - about whether or not the name has any negative connotations. You could even open up any one of hundreds of naming books that tell you what every name means - or one of dozens of websites that allow you to search for names by their meaning.

One should also take the thirty seconds necessary to ensure you're not creating a catastrophe down the road when little Albert Sammy Smith is asked for his initials.

For me, naming was an intensely personal thing when it involved my own son. The question of who we wanted to honor (a great grandfather and both of his grandpas), how we wanted him to have options as to what he would use (Ted, Teddy, Theo, Theodore, TJ, etc...) to express his own personality...

Now that you know my views - read this article.

Yes. People really do that for a living.

Once you close your mouth (or stop laughing - if you're a corporate namer) I'd love to know what you think. Is there a place for people who offer a baby naming service where the names "Liz" and "Doug" are seen as first and foremost pertaining to fat kids? (Our new intern, Liz, would prove an exception to this rule, by the way.) Sure, almost every name is going to have connections for people - but if you know a Doug from decades ago who was the brightest and skinniest kid in your 3rd grade class aren't you going to have different thoughts about the name?

For me, I'm hoping that little Teddy doesn't select Theo as his preferred name. People in generations before and after mine don't understand why. But ask a Gen-Xer and you'll get the same answer every time: "Oh yeah - that's way too Cosby." If you only know one person with a name, then that name will be inextricably linked to that person in your mind. I only know one Theo - and though I did think he was pretty cool in the eighties - I don't really want that in my mind when I think of my son.

I'll make my question more clear. Is there a reason to pay $350 to get someone else's prejudices and experiences applied to your own flesh and blood?

Whaddaya say? Are you going to hire self-named "Nameologist" Maryanna Kowitts?

Here's a quick aside - since I'm still getting back into the swing of things after spending time with Theodore (more on the story of his name another time.)

The night before Teddy was born we went to see Garrison Keillor's Prarie Home Companion. It was a great experience and Wolf Trap is an exceptional environment to take in a show. We sat on the lawn near the front and listed to beautiful music, heard Garrison talk, and basically enjoyed ourselved on what we had been planning as our last pre-kiddo outing. ...though we had no clue how literal that was.

The show ended and we walked about a mile to our car. And then sat.

And the weirdest thing happened... This group of people who had a pleasant evening together turned into the rudest bunch of drivers I'd ever seen. As we attempted to get out of the parking lot we spent about ten minutes trying to catch the eye of drivers so they would let us into the exit lane. This didn't work at all since no one would look at our car. We followed this with about five more minutes of frantic waving - which we should've known wouldn't work since (as noted previously) no one was looking at us.

Next step - I asked my lovely wife to ask a driver if we might cut in (since the cars were coming from the passenger side.) Sure - it took a few cars before anyone would even admit that they could hear her. (And for the record, it is remotely believable that someone might not have seen our frantic waving and yet was still allowed to drive a car - but for someone not to hear my wife say "excuse me" when both windows are rolled down and to also ignore the polite wave - that's just... yeah... rude.)

But the rudeness got worse. We finally made eye contact and were able to get an acknowledgement to our greeting (probably after 20 minutes total of trying) and we asked "May we cut in?"

The driver of a Lexus SUV smiled at us and said...

"No. Sorry."

Well... at least she apologized immediately for being rude.

The next car again was with the "I can't see nor hear you" crowd. The one after that saw the whole thing and actually was very pleasant - its occupants saying "it's not like anyone will get out of here much faster by squeezing you out."

A special thanks go to these kind anonymous people.

However - to the folks that didn't let us in - particularly that last two... I have this lesson in naming:

If you are going to be rude to other drivers while driving your own car and sitting in traffic that doesn't move - perhaps you should get license plates less memorable than "RN I HOT" and "TWITTY"

Should you see them on the road please give them an appropriate "hello" from me. Wave with as many (or as few) fingers as you please.

I suppose this actually does have something to do with naming for business. If you're going to put out a product that angers your customers you probably want to avoid a memorable name. This is one reason why we didn't take the "herbal Viagra" contract that came up last year. I didn't want to be the guy that named the product that caused semi-virile men to storm the gates of a product manufacturer. And I'm not a big fan of naming for obscurity.

And in fairness to the ladies in both offending vehicles - perhaps they were in a hurry to get out of there because they had a woman going into labor in their car.

Oh... wait... that was me.

May 26th, 2007 at 8.30 pm Theodore Joseph Linden was born. Weighing in at 6 lbs 10 oz. Congratulations Sarah & Tate!