Category: Bad

No.

Dearest potential applicant:

In our eight year history we’ve never brought on a single intern nor employee who started their cover letter with “Dear Sirs” or “To Whom it May Concern,” and then perhaps followed it with body copy that could just as well introduce someone trying to break into the laundromat business, or maybe rocket science.

The unofficial policy doesn’t hit home for you? Consider what it would be like if a purportedly reputable organization was staffed by people so lazy that instead of taking the time to understand and address each applicant individually, they just posted a blanket rejection statement on their blog and left it at that.

No, You May Not Have This Tasty, Tasty Apple.

I understand that everyone loves the Apple brand for its vibrancy, simplicity, and power. I really do. It’s a kickass brand, so it’s not surprising. But… Please don’t ask me to build you a brand ‘just like Apple’ unless Steve Jobs’ ghost is already on board to lead it. Because that’s what it’d take to make it work.

Look… Contrary to what most of the branding and advertising industry shouts at customers, the job of a great branding team is not to give you the brand that you want. Our job is to give you a brand with which you can succeed. Asking for a brand that looks like Apple may be an effective short-hand way to convey an aesthetic that you find appealing, but the whole underlying structure from which brands are actually built is overlooked in the process. Worse, the chances that what you and your staff find aesthetically appealing and what will bring a positive change in the behavior of your intended audience being the same are nearly nil.

What made Apple… well, Apple… was the insight, effort, and execution of Jobs, Wozniak, and their team. The name and logo they chose didn’t cause their success; the verbal and visible brand was a direct result of the unique qualities of the organization’s leadership expressed nearly to perfection. They changed the behavior of hundreds of millions of consumers around the globe by genuinely understanding who Apple was, delivering a product that could only come from such people, and communicating both their thinking and performance in a way that seemed to both illuminate and prove their difference. Or as I would normally put it, they used something very like Gandhi’s Pyramid. If you want to honor their brand or have similar successes then I’d advise you stop trying to copy the result of their efforts or the current state of their brand and start duplicating the effort and unique insights that led to it.

Making you look like Apple isn’t that hard. (Just ask Samsung.) But creating a lasting and valuable brand as unique and genuine as Apple from your own values and actions should actually result in a brand that in the end isn’t much like Apple at all.

 

FAIL: PETCO Thinks We’re Idiots? Yes. Yes they do.

 

Well, PETCO certainly doesn’t win any points for the creativity of their product name, but when it comes to the art of needlessly clarifying proper use of the product I think I’ve just witnessed perfection.

This, folks, is why I don’t hire lawyers to write copy.

 

Don Draper Tells It Like It Is. And So Should You.

It’s come to the point that I can’t turn on the TV anymore without feeling the need to talk back to the commercials. “No, drinking your product will not make me able to dunk a basketball!” or “IF YOUR PRICES ARE SO GOOD SHOULD’NT YOU BE SHARING THEM RATHER THAN JUST SCREAMING ABOUT THEIR GENERAL LOWNESS?”

Mad Men’s writers got it right, I think:

Peggy Olsen: [Presenting an idea to Don] We thought that Samsonite is this very rare element, this mythical substance, the hardest on earth, and we see and adventurer leaping through a cave…

Don Draper: Is this a substance much like bullsh*t?

Amen, fictional brother.

One reason the campaigns we develop for our clients have been so effective is that we don’t start by trying to create something that doesn’t exist. Our very first task is to take out the shovel and dig through the piles of marketing that have built up over time so we can uncover the true foundation of the brand.

Every great and lasting brand was built on a foundation of compelling truth.

If you’re not successful yet? Start digging until the BS is gone rather than trying to throw more crap at the problem hoping to cover it up.

If you are successful at selling a lie? I suppose you should enjoy it, because I don’t know when it’ll happen, but at some point you’re going to collapse. Count on it. BP, Madoff, and Enron all thought they could get away with it – as did countless others. And all of them eventually get proven wrong.

TrueTwit, Extortion & Other Synonyms

 

Posted by:
Tate Linden 

Getting those annoying TrueTwit validation messages from people you follow on Twitter? So am I. And I’m not happy about it. Read on to learn how TrueTwit’s leaders have created a league of unwitting sales zombies, and wasted over 80 years of human effort, while building a badly aligned brand.

While I must admit that the business model TrueTwit uses is brilliant, it’s also pretty damn creepy.

Here’s how it works.

  1. You click follow to track someone interesting on Twitter
  2. You immediately receive this direct message: “SoAndSo uses TrueTwit validation service. To validate click here: [...]
  3. If you click the link soon after you get it you’ll be sent to a page with a huge 18 word ad for TrueTwit, followed by a paid Google ad, followed by a slim 32 words telling you how to validate, followed by 47 words telling you that if you inflict the service (for free!) on your own followers you’ll never see this annoying message again, followed by 70 words telling you how awesome their paid service is. Some paraphrasing may have occurred above, of course. Only then do you actually get to enter the two captcha words to prove you’re human.
  4. If you don’t click the message shortly after you receive it you may get the same two ads as above and a message saying “Sorry, but it appears the person you followed may no longer be following you.” That means that the user (or more likely TrueTwit) classified you as not worth following back. Opportunity to make a connection is lost.
I am not a subscriber of the service and I’m not willing to waste the time of my select few followers or my own money to try it out, so I don’t know every detail about how it works from the inside. And while the website has a FAQ sheet it doesn’t give the kinds of details I want to hear about. Honestly I don’t really have questions, though. They’re more a seething pile of visceral responses to the business practices I see being used by TrueTwit. Stuff like…
  1. By far the most egregious issue is that TrueTwit says it has the technology to automatically ensure that human users are identified and don’t need to go through the validation process at all. It’s a formula that the paying users are able to utilize. Fine. But for the non-paying users there is no legitimate ‘validation’ reason to make a human follower go through ten validations in a row to prove they’re human. The only reason to require it is to annoy the Hell out of the follower and get them to sign up and annoy others – or buy the service.
  2. While I do get Twitter spam occasionally, most spam I receive is from TrueTwit. And worse, it’s exactly the sort of bot spam that the service is supposed to prevent. If I want to get rid of it all I have to do is agree to do everything TrueTwit wants me to do or pay them money. Sounds an awful lot like a protection racket, since the only thing I’m trying to do is have them stop wasting my time – and potentially billable hours – to prove something they already know (see my first complaint) – that I’m human.
  3. By having the basic TrueTwit service automate the validation process via DMs it turns its non-paying users into the very bots that it claims it is trying to eliminate.
  4. TrueTwit isn’t a validation service at all. The DM spam sends the follower to a page with 32 words telling people how to validate buried on a page with three links to sign up for the service, a paid ad, and 135 words trying to get me to do something other than what the link said they were going to give me? Just counting the words alone that’s worse than a 4 to 1 ratio of advertising copy to information. TrueTwit isn’t in the validation business – it’s in the ad business.
  5. The basic service preys on selfish people who value their own time over the time of those who choose to follow them. They’re fed up with all the spam and shut it of for themselves, making the rest of their new followers similarly annoyed, spreading this time-wasting ad service like, sadly, a virus.
  6. TrueTwit admits that the service doesn’t actually stop human spammers – saying “If a spammer is human they will get through. The point of TrueTwit is to eliminate automated spam software from grabbing your attention.” Which is exactly what TrueTwit basic is doing to the world. Worse, all it takes is a human to click the link and validate so that their automatic tweets can hit your stream, so a human can dig through piles of TrueTwit DMs at about 15 seconds each to validate and then auto-spam at will.
  7. Want to break the system? Pay $20 and spam as a “validated” user. While TrueTwit can terminate a user for any reason, they don’t specify Twitter spam (only listing email) or unwanted DMs as a cause. And most of the limitations under “USER CONDUCT” as currently written only apply to international users. So if you’re American and want to send unlimited tweets without having to validate through the annoying TrueTwit service then you’re home free!
  8. As great as TrueTwit’s (Google owned) reCaptcha is, it has been hacked as recently as 2011, and has allowed bots to bypass the security check, so the whole thing is pretty much not as (overly) advertised.
TrueTwit turns its users into bots for no reason other than increasing its own advertising reach and increasing income. The validation it provides is intrusive, wasteful, and ineffective.
If they want to be useful I think there’s a simple fix. Stop spamming mandatory site links to everyone. Let some of the more advanced services trickle down to the free service and change how your validation works. How about:
  1. If someone has just validated on your site then let that validation stand for a period of time for all the people they follow – even if it’s just an hour that’s better than nothing. Perhaps let your validated and trusted users decide how long that period should be – give them a range and make it easy to find and adjust. After all – they’re human and your service is not.
  2. Once a Twitter account is validated within that specific time-frame you can have your auto-DM (still spam, mind you) indicate that the follow was approved by TrueTwit automatically and if they want to know more they can click the link. That turns you into a service rather than an obstacle.
  3. Consider using your algorithms to keep specific accounts validated for longer periods. New accounts may need to re-validate frequently, while established accounts with tens of thousands of followers and low spam profiles might only need validation once a week – or perhaps never.
The real reason this is so annoying for me is that it is an example of organizational leadership completely out of alignment. What they think, say, and do in the name of the organization is a mess.
TrueTwit says: “What if you could know for sure that your followers are truly human and not some cyborg?” But TrueTwit does: send cyborgian links to actual humans who universally don’t want them.
TrueTwit says: ”Avoid Twitter spam” but does send the same Direct (DM) Twitter message advertising the TrueTwit service from multiple TrueTwit users to a single follower multiple times in a single day.
All of this makes it seem that the motivation (what TrueTwit thinks) is to get free advertising or lots of money – or both – by breaking the rules they say they enforce.
That’s not a recipe for long term success and respect. Unless you maybe the mob, in which case you are totally awesome and I have no complaints at all with your methods. (And it has just dawned on me that since there’s not a single indication of who runs the service on the website and no owner attribution on whois this could conceivably be run by them. So… apologies if that’s the case. I like my kneecaps and shall retract this post if that’s what it takes to keep them.)
I’ll share you with the saddest part of all. On the right side of TrueTwit’s Welcome Page there’s a statistics sheet that currently shows over 4.2 million verified followers. We’re looking at about a minute to read and digest the page copy and enter the Captcha codes – assuming we get them right the first time. If my math is right (and it probably isn’t) that’s more than 80 years of lost human effort. More than a literal lifetime wasted responding to an automated process that never had to happen in the first place.
It’s time to practice what you preach, TrueTwit. Stop causing the problem you say you’re here to solve. Trust us to willingly advertise services that we like instead of forcing your message down our throats with Sisyphean cyborgs.
Love the name, by the way. After looking into the organization in such detail I find it somewhat descriptive.

LEGO’s Beautiful Failure

Posted by:
Tate Linden

“When people look at LEGO, they see an innovative company; they’ve come to expect great things from it. So when LEGO put out its first official iPhone application, and people get excited, it just continues, and builds on, that brand affinity.” –  Jason Apaliski, Associate Creative Director, then from Pereira & O’Dell. Quoted in Communication Arts Interactive Annual 17.

It’s a nice sentiment, and an easily believed one, but I think it may be untrue. To build on brand affinity you have to connect with what makes the brand appealing, and with LEGO that’s more than just the look and sound of the blocks. With LEGO’s successful line of video games the look and sound of the blocks are an afterthought, not the reason for success. It’s the interactivity, nearly endless options, and creative play that take top billing. If they weren’t then the epitome of LEGO success would just be a bunch of randomly falling bricks on a screen. (I’m fairly certain a falling LEGO bricks app would not be particularly successful, but don’t quote me on that.)

Mr. Apaliski says, “Our challenge was to extend the brand to something that wasn’t just for creative people.” and the application (still available here for free) indeed gives non-creatives a chance to interact non-creatively with the visual and audible aspects of LEGO. The application lets you take pictures using the iPhone camera or images saved on the phone and convert them into flat LEGO images. It’s a nice way for people who already love LEGOs to bring that affinity with them.

But it doesn’t give you any of the joy of interacting with the LEGO brand if you aren’t already a fanatic.

I wonder what the team at LEGO believes is at the core of the brand. Here’s what a Google search turned up from fans and other folks around the Internets:

  • “[The] freedom to create and build”
  • “Being able to express something that I see in my head so that other people can see it”
  • “Combinability is the very essence of LEGO”
  • At the essence of LEGO are”products [that] can be assembled and re-assembled into something else: building blocks of the imagination
Those seem a lot closer than what LEGO’s own CEO came up with as related to the essence of LEGO:
  1. When it’s advertised, does it make a child say ‘I want this’?
  2. Once he opens the box, does it make him go ‘I want more of this’?
  3. One month later, does he come back to the toy, rebuild it and still play with it? Or does he put it on the shelf and forget about it?

To me what Jørgen Vig Knudstorp has identified isn’t the essence of LEGO at all. It would be at the core of any toy company trying to stay popular and relevant for the long term. He’s identified symptoms of having a great child-focused product that is advertised effectively, is collectible, and is addictive or multidimensional.  To Jørgen it seems that the essence of LEGO is exactly the same essence found in Barbie, G.I. Joe, Play-Doh, and Hot Wheels. Each of these brands has successfully advertised, up-sold, and addicted kids and adults around the globe using the formula. That’s not to say it’s bad, it’s just not different. And it’s not what truly attracts people to the toy.

There’s an essence beneath the advertising and playability that is missed. There’s something about structured but limitless creativity here that none of the other toys have. If LEGO’s leaders can’t define why people will select LEGO over the other iconic brands then they can’t work on making that aspect more visible and attractive. They won’t know what to put in front of the prospective user or buyer to make them want to play.

And that insight, folks, is what’s missing in the LEGO Photo app. It’s a beautiful idea, but entirely ineffective at getting anyone to buy more LEGOs. It absolutely deserves an award for visual creativity, but it doesn’t serve as a tangible business driver.

And it should have. And could have.

In the referenced article, Mr. Apaliski spoke of giving non-creative types the ability to use their ideas instead of their creativity. But any iPhone app that applies a filter to a photo does that. What LEGO brings to the table should be more tangible. LEGO’s product (and associated experience) crosses the line between imagination and reality with ease, but this app gives access to neither.

We already know that people can turn LEGOs into art – and folks like Sean Kenney do it for between $450 and $1695. So why wouldn’t we help someone with an iPhone do something similar but on a budget? Give people a way to transition from the virtual world to the real one – to embrace and share the possibilities that only LEGO can provide. How? Well, how about these for starters:

  1. A simple Email Me The Parts List button so the user could sort through their stash at home or bring it to the lego shop so they can build the picture themselves.
  2. Custom-packed and shipped Let Me LEGO Artwork boxes from LEGO.com that allow people to send a kit of custom parts and instructions (or perhaps without) for self-assembly. Maybe even include backing board and glue.
  3. For the creatively lazy you can have the high-end LEGO-Made Artwork for the sorts of prices Sean Kenney is charging – or allow him to fulfill for the brand. (Though at this level I’m fairly certain that some sort of human screening would be required or everyone will be asking for copyrighted works and naked people.)

Successfully executed that’s an app that’s not just a nifty advertisement to be tried and discarded by all but the most diehard fans, but creates an entirely new revenue stream, helps the product sell itself through viral distribution, and even off the walls of our living-rooms as well. Better still (for LEGO’s bottom line), once LEGOs are part of a glued piece of art it takes them out of circulation, meaning that if the buyers want to play with more they’ll have to buy more.

I’m pretty sure that the essence of LEGO is different for every user – and that’s the joy of the medium and maybe even the brand. It is what you make of it. And what you can make of it is constantly being pushed beyond what you thought possible. By creating an app that didn’t let us do or experience the one thing that LEGO encourages – the making - LEGO has failed (albeit beautifully) to deliver on the promise of the brand.

 

 

 

Design Math: Pop Quiz!

Posted by:
Tate Linden

Only one question:

What do you get when you have to divide 21 UPPERCASE words across six fully justified lines of copy in a space roughly four times wider than it is tall?

Is it:

A) 42
B) Subtlety
C) A new stencil
D) CRAP
E) C      R       A       P

Pencils down!

Answer after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »

The Top 5 Reasons I Hate Your Damn List.

Posted by:
Tate Linden

Yep. I’ve had it. My incoming tweet-stream and my Google Reader are stuffed with “The Top Five Reasons To X” and “The Ten Must-Do Activities If You Want To Be Y”.  They’re shared by re-tweeters and bloggers with such frequency that if there was actual business value in the stream somewhere (and I’m not promising that there is) it scrolls by in a blur of numbers and canned advice before I’ve had a chance to notice it.

But I can’t control the path of the river without first understanding its flow. So with that in mind, I’m plugging my nose, writing my own list, releasing it downstream, and letting the current take it where it may.

And so… Here it is… The Top Five Reasons I Hate Your Damn List.

  1. They’re usually just simplistic link-bait.
    The last time I saw a tip-list not manufactured (effectively or not) to go viral was… Actually, I can’t remember. They all tend to link to famous people known to be active on social media, or talk about whatever seems to capture the day’s zeitgeist, like seven ways to meet Justin Bieber (virtually always) or the three things you didn’t know about Evelyn Lozada (on this particular day.)
  2. They’re self-promotional.
    Like USA Today’s college site telling you the five things you should be doing RIGHT NOW to get into grad school. It’s written by a guy who makes a living helping thousands of people get into grad school. And what’s this? Number five says:Ask for help. There are so many resources out there – websites, books, admissions consultants – and it can be dizzying. [...] But you must be willing to reach out and ask for help when you need it.

    Subtle. Especially with that helpful link to the site offering the services in the bio. Hmph. We at Stokefire ensure that our exceptionally talented staff doesn’t stoop so low.

  3.  They’re regurgitated
    While there might be a single gem of an idea that we haven’t seen before, most of the list is made up of stuff available elsewhere. Look at enough lists on similar topics and you end up reading the same stuff everywhere. The the thousands of lists of reasons to tweet, how many actual powerful and new ideas are really there? And are you willing to read through the 25,000+ ideas in those lists of 5 or 10 “reasons to tweet” to find the few crumbs you didn’t know before?
  4. They’re arbitrary
    Especially when you read especially when you consider lists of reasons to engage in some activity or how-to lists that start with the words, “The Top” and are usually followed by a number from three to ten. I’m fairly certain that most of those lists didn’t use a formula of any kind to figure out what order those lists should go in or what bits of information deserve to be shared.
  5. They’re irresponsible
    Using a list removes all responsibility from the list-maker. It’s usually just a random list of bromides from which people seeking help can pick and choose stuff to try. It’s ignorance disguised as expertise. Enough with the suggestions disguised as answers, people! We don’t need lists, we need systems and arguments that work.

That’s it.

It’s time to admit that lists – as effective as they are at getting people to look at your site – are pretty damn ineffective at actually helping people understand topics meaningfully, or improve their situation in any way.

It’s also time to admit that, as with almost every list out there, this one is simplistic, self-promotional, regurgitated, arbitrary and irresponsible. And other than instinctual Google searches performed as I wrote this I didn’t research a single bit of it.

If I’ve done the math right I’ll get a billion hits by tomorrow. And a comment or two from Guy Kawasaki, natch.

But definitely not Justin Bieber, nude. Because that wouldn’t be cool.

Want more? Because I rant about other stuff, too. Like strategic designacronymsbrand naming, creative evaluation, name generators, ranting with a purpose, pre-made brands, and political branding to name a slew.



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